Need a little more stress in your life? Try moving.
Moving goes all the way back to caveman days when Oona told Og that their cave was too big after Oonette and Ogson left home, so they sold it to a young Cro-Magnon couple and moved into a smaller, less drafty place. They wrapped up all their possessions in cougar skins and hired Mammoth Moving to carry everything to their new condo cave in an adult, over-25 community. It still works pretty much the same today.
We don’t recommend moving, but if you must, here are some tips to follow:
Step 1: Get rid of the junk. Moving is the perfect excuse to toss out those communion-sized crystal wine glasses from Aunt Grace, the chipped plastic ashtray your son made in shop and used as a discus before giving it to you a gift, and any kind of chachkas, knick-knacks, gitchy-gotchies and dust collectors that are laying around. Collecting little porcelain frogs is one thing when you have a big house, but they will plague you like a bad rash in a smaller home. Also, you’re old enough to have a matched set of glasses, so get rid of the odds and ends and McDonald’s cups. Aluminum pots are good for recycling, not cooking. Stained dish towels, yuk. Out. And it’s finally time to get rid of that 20-year collection of soy sauce packets from the local Chinese take-out place.
Step 2: Get decent boxes. You’re a grown-up now and grown-ups don’t get boxes from the back of a supermarket. Besides, all you’ll find are old fruit boxes that smell like bananas and have big air holes in them. Real moving boxes come in all sizes according to what you have to pack, and we cannot emphasize strongly enough to put the right kind of stuff in the right boxes. Don’t take a huge wardrobe box and fill it full of books, and don’t try to fit quilts into tiny book boxes. As entertaining as it may be to watch moving men strain and struggle down your stairs, they can get back at you by charging more. So be savvy.
Step 3: Get lots of packing paper. Do not use newspaper unless you want a permanent record of this week’s basketball scores on your linens and towels. However, go ahead and spring for blank newsprint, available wherever you find boxes. You can also find it at your local newspaper that is going out of business. Use lots of it and pack everything in paper except clothing, towels or gasoline cans from the garage. By the way, you wouldn’t believe the expression on a truck driver’s face if you tell him, “oh, I forgot to empty the gasoline cans and now they’re packed somewhere in all those boxes on your truck.” Of course we’ve never done that, we’re just speculating.
Step 4: Start packing. Above all, do NOT try to pack everything you own into one box. Despite what anyone might say about using too many boxes, go for it. We’re talking about everything you have in this mortal life going onto a huge unventilated truck with lousy shock absorbers, so pack carefully and thoroughly. Plus, the following things should be taken in your car, not by truck: computers, big screen televisions, stereos, imported leather furniture, satellite dish equipment, Reidel stemware and Tiffany glass lamps. If necessary put your spouse on the truck to make space in the car, but for heaven’s sake do not trust a mover with your electronics.
This quote sums up everything we need to say about packing: “All your boxes, everything you own, goes on that truck and becomes unified as a metaphysical representation of your spiritual self.” We’re not entirely sure what that means – we heard it from a mover we used in San Francisco back in the ‘70’s – but it will surely give you something to think about before you just toss stuff carelessly in a box.
Moving Day
This is when a giant truck with each end in a different state will pull up in front of your house and you’ll be told there will be a portage charge because it can’t get close enough to the front door. This is also when you find out that the estimator didn’t tell them that your house has a basement and that will cost extra. Other surprises can include extra fees for large appliances like toasters and vacuums, the truck is too big or too small, nobody told them you had 342 boxes going to three different locations, and they will spend two hours trying to figure out how the last movers got your couch into the house.
The moving men will say to each other, in loud voices, that they’ve never seen such a (pick all that apply): disorganized mess, badly estimated job, badly packed box, difficult staircase, narrow door, uneven sidewalk, crabby neighbor, old refrigerator, heavy washer, king-sized bed that big, hot day, cold day, rainy day, long day, long drive to get there, short lunch break or long hallway. Do not react to any of this. If you had to do their job you’d complain a lot too.
Unpacking
If you are a wise and savvy mover you will rent a storage unit and put most of your boxes in there rather than bringing all that clutter back into your new home. We know a fellow who packed things for his first move and never unpacked them for thirty years. He just kept moving the boxes from one storage unit to another every time he moved. When he got divorced, his wife didn’t even check what was in storage. It turned out that one box contained some old baseball cards that he sold for a small fortune then retired to Tahiti. If you know for certain that your boxes are full of junk, put them in storage and don’t pay the bill. They will get rid of the stuff for you.
In conclusion, our best tip for moving is “don’t.” But if you really must go somewhere else to live and are buying a home, negotiate with the sellers to leave their furniture behind and move without yours. This is not recommended if you are buying a mobile home or if the seller is a big fan of Walmart. We also recommend a healthy supply of xanax and several quarts of whiskey to ease the pain – not from lifting heavy things, but for when you total up the final cost of your move.
Note: 1 in 4 Americans will move or relocate this year. That equates to 42 million people or 17% of all US households. 85% of moves will be in-state, and 53% of those moving are aged 21 to 39. The average amount spent on incidentals by someone buying a house is nearly $10,000 – excluding the actual moving expense – and homeowners tend to sell their homes every five to seven years. Renters spend about $3,700 on average for each move. Most Americans will move between 11 and 12 times in their lifetime, and moving is ranked as the third most stressful event in an individual’s life.
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